Not All Right
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Set after A Moment of Clarity. Cal and Ethan are at the pub for the auction, but both have trouble focusing.


_I really hope it's not over the top. It might seem a lot like my other stories, but there are going to be differences._

* * *

It seemed as though their roles had reversed.

Ethan was the one who kept insisting on going to the pub and trying to drag Cal along with him. Cal was the one who wanted to shut himself up in his room and be alone.

Everyone thought Cal didn't care about what had happened to Matt. Cal knew that was mostly because he'd worked so hard to cultivate that impression with his feigned boredom and inappropriate death jokes. But it had hurt him. It was hurting him now.

Cal never wanted the others to know he was struggling, which had been quite difficult lately when life had kept knocking him down, just when he was on the point of getting up. But he'd managed it and now, finally, his life had a bit of direction. He was going to be a consultant. And Ethan wasn't.

But as Cal sat in the pub and watched the auction, a fake smile pasted to his face as he tried to clap and cheer along with the others, he couldn't help wishing that just one person hadn't been fooled by his façade. It didn't matter who it was – though his first choice would have been Ethan – but if just one person would come and give him a hug and tell him everything was going to be all right...

When a hand touched his shoulder, Cal almost began to hope, but then he realised the hand was far from gentle. "Caleb, for goodness' sake, stop moping about your waste of a life and celebrate someone who actually did something with theirs!" said Ethan.

Cal felt a lump rising in his throat. He'd really thought he and Ethan were getting closer, but lately it seemed as though he couldn't even move without annoying him. He'd tried talking to Ethan about the confused mass of feelings inside him, but he either got complete silence or criticism that rivalled the abuse Cal had been giving himself.

"Did you bring something to auction?" said Ethan.

Cal nodded. He trudged to the front of the pub and held up the naked photograph of himself. He tried to pay attention to the bidding, but it didn't seem important. It all seemed too late.

Louise was the eventual winner. "I need a new dartboard," she said as she collected her prize from Cal. "This will be perfect."

Cal wasn't fooled, but for once the knowledge that a girl was attracted to him produced no elation whatsoever.

He got through the auction, but when the others started sharing happy memories of Matt, it all got a bit much. Cal was aware of heads turning, including Ethan's, as he stood up and stumbled outside, but no-one stopped him. He stood outside in the night air for a moment or two, blinking hard. No-one came to see if he was all right, which was a relief in some ways and painful in others.

None of them cared about him. None of them even came out to criticise him. He really was that insignificant.

Cal walked back to his car. He wished Ethan was here now. He wanted to talk about Matt and the shock he'd felt when Lily had suddenly announced his death. He wanted to tell Ethan how much he admired Matt, even though they hadn't exactly hit it off. He wanted to tell Ethan how much he needed someone to hold him.

At last, they reached his car. Cal got into the drivers' seat and sat there for a moment, trying to regain control, but his emotions were too strong.

Matt was only twenty-one years old. He was young, attractive, intelligent, enterprising and a really good guy, but he'd had almost his whole life taken away from him. How was that fair? Cal didn't think that anyone really deserved to die, but no-one should ever die that young. And just days ago, under Cal's care, he had been so full of life. But of course, as Cal had been forced to tell him, he wasn't really full of life at all.

How could that be allowed to happen?

Cal realised there were tears pouring down his face, but he didn't try to stop them. He didn't think he could. He rested his arms on the steering wheel and his head on his hands and let himself cry.

* * *

Ethan had tried to enjoy himself, but it was difficult when he kept thinking of Cal. Or being forcibly reminded of Cal. Almost everyone had asked where he was and Ethan had been forced to lie because he still felt he owed his brother some loyalty. He'd said Cal wasn't feeling well (which would be true by the time Ethan had finished with him), but he wasn't sure that anyone believed him. There was sympathy for Ethan on some faces but disgust on others. Both filled Ethan with shame. He was used to Cal being selfish and unfeeling, but he'd now reached a whole new level.

He almost wished Cal had left the ED and never come back. Then Ethan wouldn't ever have to see him again.

Except it wouldn't work like that because it never did. Cal would be back as soon as he wanted something. Most likely money.

"Ethan?" said a voice and he realised Lily had sat down beside him. "Are you all right?"

"Yes, of course," said Ethan. "I'm just a bit… worried about Cal, that's all. But I shouldn't be thinking about him now."

"It's natural to worry when someone is ill," said Lily. "That's our job." She gave Ethan a piercing glance. "But Cal isn't ill, is he?"

"I… I really couldn't say," said Ethan. "I haven't given him an examination so I'm really not equipped to say one way or the other…"

Lily didn't give up. She almost never did. "But you know your brother, Ethan. Do you think he's ill?"

Ethan didn't want to answer. Despite everything, it seemed disloyal to tell the truth. He avoided Lily's eyes but could still feel her gaze. "No, I don't think he's ill. He seems his usual self to me. And I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. It's not even as though Cal didn't know Matt. He was the last person to treat him. He was the one who discovered the extent of his illness."

"Perhaps he does care in his own way," said Lily. "Cal was the first to leave the pub. I believe he's usually the last."

"He's just in a big sulk," said Ethan. "Matt told Cal what I've been wanting to say to him for months and Cal didn't like it. Some kid he'd only just met. A patient who should have (in Cal's opinion) had more respect for him." He sighed. "I would probably laugh if I didn't feel so sad."

To his surprise, Lily touched his arm. Only briefly but perhaps it meant as much as a hug coming from someone who wasn't usually physically affectionate. "Don't be sad, Ethan. Of course it's a sad situation, but Matt would want us to celebrate, not be sad. Forget about Cal. He is not worth your time or your thoughts or your sadness. Let him sulk. It's not your fault your brother is an idiot and you don't have to feel responsible for that."

Ethan smiled gratefully. "Thank you, Lily. You're right. I should be celebrating." He looked around the pub. "I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not really in my element in a pub. But I would do like to do something celebratory."

"You could dance with me," said Lily.

"I'm not very good at dancing," said Ethan awkwardly.

"Then I'll teach you," said Lily. She stood up and held out her hand. "And you needn't worry if people laugh at you. They won't remember tomorrow."

"But I will," said Ethan as he got to his feet.

Lily firmly took his hand. "And that, Ethan, is why you're the only man in the pub who's worth dancing with."


End file.
